31. SEX FAQs – HOW DO I MANAGE MISMATCHED LIBIDOS?
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SEXUAL DESIRE, OR LIBIDOS, NATURALLY EBB AND FLOW. SOMETIMES OVER A COURSE OF A SINGLE DAY. SO ONE OF THE MOST COMMON CHALLENGES THAT COUPLES FACE IN RELATIONSHIPS IS A LOSS OF DESIRE OR MISMATCHED LIBIDOS.
Often in these situations, sex begins to feel like a chore or a performance, which leads to further avoidance.
On this Sex FAQs episode, Sara and relationship coach, Valentina Tudose from Happy Ever After tackle common questions crowdsourced from listeners around the topics of desire, and how to take sex from performance to pleasure:
1. “How can we restart our sex life after having a baby? I’m in the mood more often than my wife, but hesitant to bring it up with her as I’m afraid it will lead to conflict.”
2. “I have a far stronger libido than my partner. When we do have sex, its tends to be the same every time, without much enthusiasm and passion. We’ve talked about it but she just doesn’t have the same interest in it that I do.”
3. “I’ve always thought of sex as a performance and for my partner’s pleasure rather than myself. When my partner asks me what I want, I find myself not knowing what I want as well. Is there anything that can help him and us?”
4. “I used to enjoy sex but find myself avoiding it because it feels like too much hard work and gives me very little pleasure. I focus so much on not coming too fast that it takes me ages to get there and I sometimes just give up. What can I do to learn to enjoy it again?”
5. “I have been trying to get my wife pregnant but it seems my body disagrees. I am having trouble getting hard and when it happens, it only lasts a short time. Please help.”
Valentina and Sara talk about broadening the experience of sex beyond just orgasm, and approaching it with a sense of curiosity, fun and playfulness. Adopting a “performance mindset” around sex (i.e. reaching orgasm) usually results in unsatisfying sex, and lead to couples overlooking other ways of building physical and emotional intimacy.
We also discuss strategies for couples to introduce novelty, explore each other’s bodies, and take responsibility for their own sexual pleasure. After all, sexual desire is built on the assumption that you’re having the kind of sex that is worth craving!
MORE JUICY BITS ON THE SHOW
9:20-17:26 Strategies for rekindling desire post-pregnancy
20:59-27:02 How to have sex worth craving for
33:35-38:01 Figuring out what you like sexually and asking for it
39:17-45:29 Experiencing great sex beyond simply getting to the orgasm
48:02-53:57 Making sex pleasurable and sexy when trying to conceive
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
WORDS OF WISDOM
“When you’ve had a child, you’ve already moved past that biological need for procreation, so sex becomes more conscious—more of an intimacy-building device in the relationship. It’s not that the attraction has decreased. You’ve just moved to a different stage of your relationship, which is called ‘attachment’. Sex is a very powerful element of that attachment because it creates the bond. Every time you have sex with your partner, you get reattached to them and it gets deeper, and deeper, and deeper, which is wonderful. That’s why you have to have sex, even after babies.”
“The nature of desire between men and women is very different. For men, there’s a lot of spontaneous desire. The female desire tends to be more responsive rather than spontaneous. Most of the time, especially when our attention is focused on raising the baby, responsive desire can be triggered with a lot of compassion, with a lot of conversation, and with making sure that the timing is right. What point in your daily life, now, can you fit sex in, realistically? What signals can you give each other?”
“In order to have a conversation, the most powerful question a partner can ask is, ‘How can I make this more interesting for you? What can I do to build the story? What would you need to be more into it?’ Be very clear with your partner that you’re not in this for the orgasm. The intimacy that we’re building is the time spent together: It’s quality time, the physical touch, and the amazing chemistry we feel in the body when we spend more than two minutes in bed. But it’s in the head, not between the legs.”
“If we think of sex as just about getting to the orgasm, we ironically have trouble actually getting there. What if it wasn’t? What if it’s just a matter of spending quality time and pleasing each other in other ways? Sex for the purpose of connection; of the experience: for kissing, touching, hugging, feeling like you’re close to this person, looking into each other’s eyes and breathing in the same rhythm. This is what intimacy and connection is. That two seconds of pleasure at the end is what we’ve made sex to be; but it doesn’t have to be that.”
“Don’t think about sex as work. It’s not a job you have. It’s not a job to please your partner. You’re in this together when you’re in bed. It’s not your job to make me come. It’s not your job to come too fast. It’s about, ‘Hey, why don’t we just enjoy this moment?’ Approach it with the mindset of a kid, which is all about wonder and adventure. It’s fun. It’s playful. It’s just there to please us.”
OTHER GREAT REFERENCES YOU'LL LOVE
Why Has My Sex Drive Changed? 12 Factors That Can Impact Libido — Your sex drive is a factor of your overall health. If intimacy is lacking, it may just be a matter of knowing what to fine-tune, whether physically or mentally.
Are You Missing Intimacy? Discover Why and What It Requires — Discover the four levels of intimacy, and the nine necessary ingredients each partner needs to kick off the experience.
What to Do If Your Partner Has Lost Interest in Sex — The chaotic pace of modern life can quickly lead to major challenges in your sex life. Find out how to narrow down common causes behind these challenges.
How to Address Mismatched Sex Drives – This article has practical recommendations around how to address mismatched libidos in a constructive, non-confrontational way.
The Difference Between Spontaneous and Responsive Desire — Sara and Valentina touch on this difference a number of times during their conversation. Learn more about what it means have a spontaneous versus responsive desire for sex, and why it matters.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
What do you do when your libido doesn’t match with your partner? Leave us a comment below—we'd love to know!