33. NAVIGATING CONSENT AND SEXUAL BOUNDARIES
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WHAT DOES CONSENT LOOK LIKE, AND HOW DO YOU MAKE IT SEXY?
In this episode, Sara invites sex-positive friends Jessica and Prescott Gaylord to talk about their personal experiences on consent.
Prescott is an improv actor and instructor who facilitates consent workshops. And on the show, he gives us practical techniques and exercises on how to establish better consent and boundaries.
We talk about our definitions of consent and how our personal feelings towards this concept have evolved over time. Particularly with the #metoo movement bringing this discussion to the forefront.
One key consent technique we discuss on the show is shifting our feelings around the word “no”. Often a “no” is construed as a rejection, and followed by frustration or disappointment.
However, by learning to celebrate “no”, it gives us an opportunity to be more aware of someone’s boundaries and accept this as a positive thing. This concept may take a little time to get used to but it’s definitely something worth thinking about.
We also demonstrate how a simple question like, “how do you like to be ____?” can make asking for consent really hot and sexy.
This empowering episode will help you to feel more confident about asking for consent and expressing your own boundaries without shame or guilt.
More Juicy Bits on the Show
12:45 - 14:50 – What does consent mean to you?
24:56 - 29:28 – Celebrating the meaning of “No”
33:26 - 34:28 – Implied consent without prior discussion gone wrong
35:50 - 37:24 – A useful decision-making tool - The Nerdy Numbers Game
41:14 – 44:35 – Making consent sexy with a simple question
46:00 – 48:04 – Is “maybe” a minefield?
49:02 – 51:00 – Personal thoughts on the Me Too Movement
59:05 - 100:17 - Tips for setting boundaries and having better communication
Tips for Establishing Consent & Expressing Boundaries:
1. Ongoing Communication: Consent is an ongoing concept. Whether it be with your long-term partner or someone you’ve just met, you need to be clear, open, and honest in communicating it.
2. Be Clear with Your “Nos”: Learn to say no clearly and without guilt. Practice saying no and meaning no (don’t say “Maybe” or “We’ll see”). If you want
3. Be Enthusiastic with Your “Yes”: It’s got to be a “hell yes!”, and not just an absence of a no. This means you are participating in sexual acts because you're excited about it, not because you feel pressured into it.
4. Define Your Boundaries: Have a heart-to-heart with yourself and set clear boundaries that you are comfortable with. But also be open to boundaries evolving as you learn new things and ways to express yourself sexually.
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Words of Wisdom
“There are instances where people don’t realize that in a long-term committed relationship you can still be assaulted. You still have to give consent. There’s the idea of implied consent, just because someone marries you and has your children it doesn’t mean that you have access to them at any point.”
“This is what I get the most positive feedback from is this silly nerdy numbers thing. Where 0 might be neutral and 10 might be “OMG it’s all I want in my whole life”, and -10 is “I will hate every second. So if I say do you want to go see the Spider Man movie and you say -2 and I say, well I’m an 8. We might go anyway but now I know you’re doing me a favor and you’ll probably be more happy knowing that it’s making me that happy so you might do it anyway. If I’m a 1 and you’re a -2, there’s no reason to go see that movie. You’re more negative than I’m positive. And it’s not a math problem, you don’t need to average it out, it’s just a decision making tool”
“Usually what people find is they have this perception that the instant they reject other people will be mad about it but, in fact, when someone rejects their thing, they can be mindful about it and realize “oh no, I was actually very glad that she didn’t lick her lips because she didn’t want to, I was very that she told me what she was going to do and what she wasn’t going to do”
“What does yes mean? What does no mean? What does maybe mean? My definition of maybe means no until there’s a yes. Is there information there? Is that different than no? It’s no right now, but maybe in the future if I’m interested. If you’re unsure of how you feel about something don’t do it. If that’s something you’re not sure you want to do or try, just how about not?”
“This exercise does two things, number 1 it fights against the myth that a consent talk breaks the mood, and it also is a way to start a good co-creation of an event…So this just an exercise that we do and it goes like this…it’s called ‘How Do You Like To Be Kissed’, and it’s really nothing more than that.”
Other Great References You’ll Love
Pure App – A shameless hookup app for sharing fantasies, naughty communication and virtual sex.
Prescottgaylord.com – Prescott’s consent workshops which will teach you all the techniques we practiced today and many more.
Spicer App – An app created for couples with sexy questions, games, and more. A good tool for establishing consent around various sexual activities.
Tea and Consent – a short video that discusses consent using an easy-to-understand concept of drinking tea.
Types of Boundaries you deserve to have – Tips for setting healthy boundaries across various aspects of your life.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
How confident are you at expressing your consent and boundaries?