7 Ways to Deepen Your Sexual Connection

BY DANIELLE GRAVES, INTIMACY COACH

Have you ever experienced great sex with your partner but the intimacy and connection seemed lacking? Maybe you were left feeling unfulfilled or wondering if there was something more you can do. There could be a few possible reasons for this. 

Let’s think about sex like cooking. When you cook, you normally wouldn’t just randomly throw all your ingredients into a pot and hope for the best. The final result would probably still be edible, but you’d probably find that there’s quite a lot missing. 

There are certain foods that need to marinate, bake, roast, simmer… before you get to experience their full flavour. The best meals are the ones that somebody poured their heart into and took the time to perfect. Every ingredient was strategically chosen and carefully added in, resulting in a multi sensory experience. 

Like cooking, the best sex happens when one or more partners choose to pour their heart into the experience and take their time with each step. Then it becomes an experience that all/both of you co-create together. 

In order for you to experience a deeper sexual connection with your partner, sex has to move beyond just the mechanics.

By choosing to deepen your sexual connection with your partner, you will also experience other benefits, such as:

• Being more adventurous by trying new things with someone whom you trust

• Allowing yourself to be more vulnerable, which can deepen trust

• Allowing yourself to feel cared for and appreciated

• Deepening your friendship and enhancing intimacy even outside the bedroom

Whether you’ve been seeing someone new and are still getting to know each other on a more intimate level, or with a long-term partner and looking to re-ignite the spark, these following suggestions will surely lead to a stronger bond. 

1. Open and Honest Communication to Build Trust

First, you should explore what it is you believe you need in order to feel a deeper connection during sex and then learn how to voice that to your partner. Give them the space to voice their needs and desires as well.  

If what you are craving is more foreplay, more cuddles, more pillow talk, etc. then being able to communicate that to your partner is essential. Sometimes communication can be difficult, especially in newer relationships, so that is why I recommend using a card game inspired for opening up more intimate conversations in a fun way. 

I came across this card game called ‘Pillow Talk’ at a gift shop in Singapore and I feel like it has the potential to transform how we interact in the bedroom. Feel free to purchase your own deck online or use some of these prompts as thought-starters. 

• Describe a typical fantasy you might masturbate to.

• What were some of your very earliest sexual thoughts?

• What part of your body do you find most attractive?

• If you could wave a magic wand, what would you want more of in your sex life?

I also recommend starting a journaling practice. This can help you identify and reflect on what you want and need by taking notes of what you enjoyed and what you wish you experienced more of during sex.

You can even write your partner a letter (that you don’t intend to send) just to get the practice of asking for what you want. If you need further guidance on telling someone what you need in bed, then this article elaborates further on this topic. 

Figuring our your intimacy language with the quiz below will also help you smooth out any awkwardness, and become better at sexual communication.

2. Make Eye Contact for a Powerful Sexual Connection

Studies have shown that the release of oxytocin is triggered through 30 - 60 seconds of eye contact and our pupils can even copy our partner’s in a phenomena known as pupil mimicry, which has an impact on trust levels. Dilated pupils lead at a subconscious level to your partner trusting you more and constricted pupils lead to less trust. 

I believe that the most powerful bonds form when eyes synchronise. Now ask yourself this. How often do you look at your partner in the eyes when engaged in sexual activity? Do you notice them looking back?

By looking into each other’s eyes every now and then, you are showing them that you are connected and present. Just like talking and dancing, good eye contact builds connection. 

There is such a thing as too much eye contact though and when it feels uncomfortably long, then it probably is. Simply looking up at your partner occasionally while holding their gaze for a few moments allows them to see you are sharing this moment. 

3. Kiss More & Kiss for Longer

Don’t stop kissing. A 2013 study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reported that frequent kissing is correlated to a couple’s perception on the quality of their relationship and specifically, the more kissing there is, the higher levels of happiness reported.  

Kissing was likely the first step towards intimacy you made before you engaged in sexual activity. It helped you decide your sexual compatibility and desire for this person before sex and gave you both more time to build up that sexual anticipation. 

However, kissing can start fading the longer a relationship goes. One study found that 1 in 5 couples don’t even kiss at all. So try not to forget those kissing habits from when you first met, and make kissing a regular part of your sex and love life.   

4. Enhance Your Foreplay for Extended Pleasure

Take your time exploring each other’s bodies and fantasies without orgasm being the only goal. 

By taking your time, you will learn to appreciate each other more on both an emotional and physical level. To bring up that cooking reference again, the most delicious things take time. Enjoy every bite without thinking about when you will be consuming the next dish. 

The good communication I mentioned earlier will come in handy when discussing what ways you like to engage in foreplay and what ways don’t get you as turned on.

Here are some ideas you can incorporate into your next enhanced foreplay session:

• Explore your bondage fantasy by using a simple scarf or a necktie to tie your partner (or vice versa) and take your time with the process

• Try giving each other erotic oil massages 

• Introduce a sex toy to enhance sensations. This blog tells you how.

5. Sync Your Breaths and feel the Sexual Energy 

Syncing your breath to your partner’s connects you not only physically, but mentally and spiritually. This is a more meditative practice that allows you to be mindful of the energy you are feeling in your body as well as your partners. It’s an act that focuses your attention and brings you to the present moment.

The practice of syncing your breaths comes from the Eastern spiritual tradition of Tantra. One common Tantric practice is to breathe in sync while looking into each other’s eyes. As you connect more deeply you can try rocking your bodies together and allow the energy to build up. Sitting upright facing each other with your legs wrapped around each other is a good position for this.  

6. Seek Advice from a Sex Coach or Sex Therapist

When all else fails, discuss this topic with a qualified expert either individually or as a couple. There may be deeper rooted issues that keep us blocked from deepening our connection and it can also reveal our own (or our partner’s) fears of intimacy. 

Talking about this with an expert can reveal some valuable insights that you can take away into this relationship or any one in the future. 

7. Form New Relationship Habits

To conclude, my final suggestion is to use all this advice to form new habits in your relationship that extend beyond the sexual experience. 

For example, instead of jumping out of bed to take a shower immediately after sex, lay there for a while and enjoy the afterglow together. Talk about what you enjoyed the most from the experience to keep it lasting longer. 

The connection doesn't have to stop once an orgasm has been reached. Pillow talk and cuddling can be just as intimate of an experience, and can even be one of the biggest factors to deepening your sexual connection. 

This article addresses how you can connect better sexually but an even better outcome is how it deepens your connection in all aspects of your relationship. Good eye contact, communication, and playfulness  build better friendships and strengthen relationships. 

Try these methods out during your next sexual encounter and leave a comment below on what worked best for you or if you have any suggestions to share from your own experience.   

Danielle Graves is an intimacy coach and sex therapist in training. She focuses on teaching others how to deepen human connection, increase intimacy, and fully embody the person who deserves to love and be loved.