46. SEX FAQS – HOW DO I OPEN MY RELATIONSHIP?
CURIOUS TO TRY AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP, BUT DON’T KNOW QUITE WHERE OR HOW TO START?
In this episode, Sara chats with relationship coach Valentina Tudose of Happy Ever After to answer your most common questions about open relationships, such as:
What basic ground rules should I set if I’m just starting out with open relationships?
How can I handle my intense attraction to a new lover since I started to open my relationship with my spouse?
I want to have an open relationship, but how do I manage my jealousy?
How do I bring up an open relationship to a partner that has been previously unreceptive?
Some ground rules that Valentina and I discuss for an open relationship could include: prioritizing your partner, having regular check-ins, communicating your needs with compassion, and a strong commitment to radical honesty.
We also share tips around managing jealousy and how when used constructively, jealousy can be a useful tool to help us address issues and get what we need.
We also offer reminders and tips for couples who are in the process of opening up their relationship to think about it as if they're embarking on a joint adventure or an exciting journey together.
If you're interested in open relationships, we suggest bringing up the conversations regarding your values and beliefs in non-traditional relationship models early in the dating process to avoid a future mismatch and heartbreak.
This episode is a must-listen if you and/or your partner are curious in non-monogamy or trying to work up the courage to open your relationship.
More Juicy Bits on the Show
4:18-21:35 - Basic ground rules for starting an open relationship
21:43-30:18 - Learning to handle intense attraction to new lovers
30:23-38:36 - How to manage jealousy in an open relationship
38:37-46:14 - Bringing up the topic of open relationships with a previously unreceptive partner
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Tips for Opening Up Your Relationship
Do some reflection. Understand what non-monogamy means to you, and be clear about your intentions for pursuing these kinds of relationships. Journal these or bring these up to your partner to start the conversation.
Decide on the open relationship type you want to have. Open relationships mean something different to everyone from emotional connections to sexual connections, and lots in between. Decide what works for you and your partner that is within your comfort zone.
Overcome your fear and insecurities. Dig deep to overcome your insecurities with your feelings is extremely important to overcome any issues that may arise in an open relationship.
Set ground rules and check-in regularly. Agree on some guidelines with regards to what is and isn’t acceptable in your open relationship. Then check in regularly with your partner as you figure things out.
Radical honesty. Be honest and truthful with your partner in your conversations around non-monogamy, even if it’s something you know your partner won’t necessarily want to hear. This builds trust in the long term.
Take baby steps. Many couples start out by only playing with others in each other’s presence. Or perhaps only one-off hookups are allowed. Think about where your relationship is now, and where you want it to be, then take baby steps to make progress gracefully and safely.
Seek out a professional for extra help. If you’re finding these conversations difficult, seeking the services of a sex coach or therapist who is open to non-monogamy can help you work through the issues and facilitate the dialogue.
Words of Wisdom
“Allowing it to grow naturally, the basic agreement is ‘we don’t know where this is going but we’re going on this journey together.’ Most people think it’s because people don’t want to be committed or are bored with each other or think it’s the beginning of the end, but most people that open their relationship become much more connected to each other and they do it for the purpose of having a deeper partnership and being more honest with each other.”
“The thing that is particularly important for women is this idea that women do have a tendency to get more easily attached to a sexual partner. As a woman, it’s a commitment to herself that she insists on that she learns how to manage the head and the heart. It’s very easy when you have infatuation to start to fall for someone and forget the bond that you have with your partner. You have to find the strength within you to deal with that.”
“Managing this with a partner is hard but if I don’t tell my partner that I’m gradually falling in love with this new person and that I’m going to hide things from them. Like if your primary partner is out of town and you’re not telling them that your boyfriend is coming to stay over, that’s equivalent to cheating because you’re hiding really important things.”
“In time, you might find that one of these FWB relationships evolves into a more serious relationship, a real, supporting and loving relationship. And you have to be prepared that that might happen. And that your partner might actually have another committed relationship on the side of your committed relationship, and it doesn’t make that relationship less important than yours, even if you have an agreement to be in a primary relationship.”
“Jealousy is a signal that something needs addressing. And this is a mindset that you have a belief that other people are getting something that belongs to you or that you deserve. And even the idea of prioritizing each other to be each other’s primary partners sets you up for that. Because in this agreement that we are #1 for each other, we are allowing the assumption that our partner belongs to us to some level.”
“All relationships start open and then they close. And sometimes they stay closed and make both partners unhappy. Sometimes they are open one-sided, consensually, and sometimes people have these conversations, and it’s just a continuum, it’s the flow of life. Everyone has been in an open relationship at some point in their life.”
Other Great References You’ll Love
Beducated – Our sponsor on this episode. The #1 resource for sexual health and happiness offering the Sex Ed you wish you’d had! You can get a monthly subscription for just $9.99 per month or 65% off their annual subscription with code BETTERINBED.
Is an Open Relationship Right for You? – An in-depth guide to some of the reasons people choose consensual non-monogamy, what it takes to be successful, and why it may or may not work for your relationship.
How to Bring Up the Idea of an Open Relationship with Your Partner – An article discussing the importance of navigating the conversation thoughtfully so as not to trigger fear or anger.
Open Relationships: What the Real Rules Need to Be – An article discussing the most common rules and their frequent responses, both negative and positive.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
Would you ever consider an open relationship, and why?