8 Ways To Be More Sexually Assertive
BY JENNIFER HANSON, WRITER AT CORAL
Think about a romantic scene from your favorite movie. Does one of the characters hesitate and show they’re reluctant to engage? Do they kind of just go along with whatever the other character does without speaking up and tell them what they want?
NO! What makes those scenes hot is that it’s obvious how much both parties are into it, which as it turns out, is what makes sex in real life super hot as well.
If you’re not used to asserting yourself sexually though, or if just the thought makes you freak out, don’t worry!
Here are several science-based ways you can assert yourself sexually that will help both of you stay in the moment and enhance the experience.
LOVE YOURSELF
Knowing and understanding what you like is the first step to being sexually assertive. Your preferences with sex are going to dictate everything you are and aren’t comfortable with.
If you find yourself feeling lost in the heat of the moment, think of how you’ve approached sex before. This includes actions you find romantic, knowing how you like to be touched and maybe even your kinky turn-ons.
Explore yourself in this way and be honest with yourself. No one has the exact same preferences, but everyone has the freedom to be familiar with their sexuality. Studies have also shown women who are more sexually assertive reported higher marital and sexual satisfaction, as well as higher frequencies of sexual activity & orgasms.
KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES
Being comfortable in the moment starts with knowing your boundaries, which are essential for everyone and something that both you and your partner should know about each other. There are a wide range of different sexual acts and some of them aren’t for everyone!
Maybe your boundaries aren’t completely clear yet, but if your partner tries something you know you’re not comfortable with, don’t be afraid to stop and tell them so! There is no shame in getting to know yourself and the things both you and your partner find pleasurable, but it’s critical to tell them if it isn’t mutual.
Additionally, once you get to the point where you and your partner have defined your boundaries, you’ll likely feel more able to let go and be in the moment, which can only lead to significantly hotter sex.
BE HONEST
What’s one of the most integral pieces of intimacy and the groundwork for openly sharing your feelings in a relationship? Honesty. This is true whether you’re in the moment or discussing a recent romp. This isn’t to say you need to be harsh, though.
Bring it up gently so that there are no bruised egos, and pick at time and a place when you’ll both feel relaxed and open. If there’s something your partner did that you weren’t a huge fan of, frame it so that you’re telling them something else you liked better.
This approach takes the focus off of what they did wrong while offering them a better solution. Giving your partner anxiety is avoidable if you’re conscious of your approach!
If you want to get better at communicating with a partner about sex, Coral’s guide on pleasurable communication provides some practical tips on how to ask for what you want.
COMMUNICATE
People relay information in different ways, and the habit of knowing you and your partner’s communication style will help you stay in sync with each other.
Studies have shown frequent communication boosts sexual satisfaction regardless of gender, and communicating and asserting yourself in the bedroom is sexy because it guarantees you’re both getting what you want!
And if the mood strikes you to say something naughty when things are getting heavy, remember that 63% of men studied said dirty talking was a turn on for them, so chances are you might find a good audience!
Figuring out your intimacy language will help you turn up the heat, and become more confident with communicating with your lover.
BE SPONTANEOUS
While knowing your boundaries is important, it’s equally vital to go with the flow when you’re comfortable. If you’re enjoying how a sexy situation is progressing, even if it isn’t something you’ve tried before, go with it and reciprocate.
Gauge how you feel little by little. You can always ease yourself into it and find where your boundary is as you go. Sometimes being sexually assertive means experimenting with what you like.
Partner novelty is shown to boost sexual function, desire, arousal and orgasm, so trying that new thing is encouraged! Who knows, maybe you’ll be taking things in a new direction as a result?
STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE
It’s easy to get stuck in a sex rut and do what’s comfortable for an extended period of time. While it’s okay to stick with what you know, perhaps there’s something that you or your partner have been dying to try?
In one study, researchers found that when using a vibrator with a partner, men’s sexual pleasure was directly tied to their perception of whether they thought their female partner was enjoying it. Rather than finding the addition of the toy to be intimidating, the men reported feeling like it was appealing because of the novelty and variety aspect.
If the thought of suggesting it makes you feel nervous, try whispering it into your partner’s ear the next time you’re both turned on. If their reaction is positive, you have nothing to fear!
BE PRESENT
Like many excellent things in life, sex is to be savored. The build-up that goes into a good romp is all about being present and engaged with what’s going on. Erase the stigma of who you should be in the moment and feel all you want to.
Do you feel like you’re always thinking about ten different things at once or have a hard time switching into sex-brain after a long day of work?
Try one of Coral’s quick guided meditation sessions or relax in a hot bath before you know you’ll be having sex. Getting into your body and out of your head can do wonders for sexual enjoyment.
TAKE CHARGE
Assuming you’re comfortable with all of the above, the final step is taking control. If you’re not usually the one to initiate, try seducing your partner next time. Start out where you’re both comfortable and go with the flow (Netflix and chill anyone?).
Do something that you know drives them wild. If there’s something you want, ask for it. Your sexuality is yours and can always change over time!
All of these steps are essential parts of learning to be more sexually assertive and will hopefully help you be less fearful of expressing yourself.
Everyone deserves to have a rewarding sex life and all evidence points to these approaches being healthy and successful. Try one (or more) the next time you’re feeling confident!
Coral is your guide to horizontal happiness. Achieve your best intimate life through a mix of science, stories and practical exercises created by experts, curated for you.