27. BDSM FOR BEGINNERS
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IS YOUR PERCEPTION OF BDSM AND KINK INFORMED BY THE INFAMOUS FIFTY SHADES OF GRAY?
Even though the Fifty Shades franchise does a lot to bring BDSM to the mainstream, it also get a lot of things wrong. Particularly one of BDSM’s key principles, negotiating consent.
Sara and co-host Kat sit down with Jannus of KinkBites — a veteran kinkster, community organizer, and Hong Kong dungeon manager — to lament the Fifty Shades effect, and the myths and misconceptions around BDSM that it perpetuates.
We talk about how the “church of kink” is full of variety (and not all about pain) and how kinky people come from all walks of life. Jannus’s shares his own personal introduction to kink – when his desire to learn how to do better drag resulted in a fateful encounter with Mistress Decima, Hong Kong’s “Godmother of Kink”.
Jannus provides recommendations to beginners and newbies who want to get started with BDSM. He sheds light on common BDSM terminology, what toys one can start with, dating as a kinky person and how to introduce a vanilla partner to your kinks. All in a fun, non-threatening, consensual manner.
MORE JUICY BITS ON THE SHOW
1:50-4:57 How Jannus discovered kink
8:39-18:36 Defining commonly-used BDSM terminology
18:45-22:04 The importance of consent and risk-awareness in BDSM
22:08-29:01 The biggest myths around BDSM
32:25-34:27 Introducing someone vanilla to the idea of BDSM
35:17-38:42 The group’s thoughts on Fifty Shades of Gray
38:51-40:56 A primer on play parties
43:13-44:45 Bondage for beginners
48:27-54:48 BDSM toys and pervertables for beginners
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
WORDS OF WISDOM
“Consent is a huge part of kink. We’re always making sure people are consensually signing up for what they’re doing before, during, and after. In the community, we have two acronyms: SSC, which is ‘Safe, Sane, and Consensual’; and also RACK, which is ‘Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink’. Both of those are referencing consent; so we start by giving permission to do things. It’s not like Fifty Shades of Gray where you’re signing a contract and you’re locked in. It’s more like an ongoing conversation.”
“A lot of kink does involve some kind of intense sensation, and that can be pain or pressure. But there’s plenty of kink that doesn’t involve any masochism or sadism. Being ordered around, for example. Going back to basic principles, it’s all about having a good time. You should be both having fun. If you’re not having fun, then you should stop and reassess. Kink is about fun, and therefore, you do what’s fun for you.”
“I mean, people like what they like. I think it’s as simple as that. When you come to a munch, or a kinky social event, you have all kinds of people from all walks of life. It’s just a normal cross-section of society.”
“When introducing someone to the idea of BDSM, you should take it slowly and with patience. It’s a process. I’m not tricking anyone. I’m just showing them they can be fun in a non-threatening manner, because people don’t want to be labeled as—God forbid—a pervert. So I’m just saying, ‘Hey, why don’t we try this? This could be fun.’ And if they don’t like it, that’s fine. ‘Do you want to try it on me? Do you want to do something else?’ You’ve got to be emotionally-intelligent about these things and not push your agenda. It’s just baby steps.”
“When you begin to explore the world of BDSM, go with what’s accessible and easy. The simple stuff is good to start out with. Some light bondage, some sensation play—which can be a blindfold, or grabbing some ice from the freezer and running it up and down someone’s body. Go heavier from there when you feel it. Just layer it on.”
OTHER GREAT REFERENCES YOU'LL LOVE
The New Topping Book — Dossie Easton’s introduction to kink, this book being more relevant for dominants. We recommends that this book be read with its companion “The New Bottoming Book” to understand the different dynamics in BDSM..
The New Bottoming Book — Dossie Easton’s introduction to kink, this book being more relevant for submissives. We recommends that this book be read with its companion “The New Topping Book” to understand the different dynamics in BDSM.
The Ultimate Guide to Kink: BDSM, Role Play and the Erotic Edge — An excellent general resource for kink by Tristan Taormino.
Kinkbites.com — Jannus’s website, where he offers private coaching, group classes and workshops, and one-on-on BDSM experiences from our guest himself
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
What aspect of BDSM would you most like to try? Leave us a comment below—we'd love to know!