40. BECOMING SEXUALLY ASSERTIVE AND DOMINANT
HOW CAN YOU BE MORE SEXUALLY ASSERTIVE AND DOMINANT IN THE BEDROOM?
Sara co-hosts this episode with kink coach Jannus, and we chat with guest Mistress Eva Oh, a professional dominatrix about her journey into BDSM.
We discuss the psychology behind being assertive and dominant in a BDSM context and the dynamics that come with it. We learn where sexual power comes from, and what we can do to step into that power or give it away.
Whether or not you’re into BDSM, sexual assertiveness is something that we can all practice by simply knowing what we want and being confident enough to ask for it in the bedroom.
We all then share some practical tips and ideas around bringing more kink into the bedroom - from training subs, doling out rewards and punishments, initiating sex and more!
This episode is a must-listen if you’re interested becoming more sexually assertive and if you want to incorporate more kink into your sex life.
More Juicy Bits on the Show
3:19-6:34 - Mistress Eva’s personal journey to being a dominatrix
11:57-15:02 - Mistress Eva’s style of domination
18:08-22:23 - What Mistress Eva wants for her subs
22:23-25:33 - The secret to being sexually assertive and dominant
26:49-30:15 - Ways that sexual power is given away
32:35-36:55 - Sexual dominance and gender
36:58-39:03 - Perceptions of “expected” roles in the bedroom
39:05-43:04 - The link between sexual assertiveness and personal confidence
43:15-47:55 - Can sexual dominance be learned?
47:58-48:56 - Training your partner to become a better submissive
51:20-51:56 - Increasing your sub’s confidence
52:20-53:15 - Initiating sex in a dominant way
53:25-56:00 - Giving rewards and punishments
58:50-103:02 - Toys & games to kick start your dominant side
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
How to Be More Sexually Assertive & Dominant
1. Tap into your Sexual Power. Taking control in the bedroom isn’t about being cruel or mean, it’s about connecting with your sexual power and sharing it with a partner who wants to please you.
2. Know and ask for what you want. Have a clear understanding of what you need, what turns you on, and how you want it done. Be very clear and specific about asking for it, so as to remove any potential for misunderstanding.
3. Start Small. Give your partner easy, accomplishable tasks, so they can feel like they’re making progress and you can gain confidence with establishing your authority.
4. Give Rewards or “Punishments”. You can choose to reward or punish your partner based on how successfully they fulfil a task. Some of the most effective rewards and punishments involve your presence and attention, so either by touching them (reward) or moving away from them (punishment).
5. Practice Assertiveness Everyday. Speak up with confidence about what you want in your daily life. Set good boundaries. Practice saying “no” firmly and clearly. These skills will serve you well in the bedroom and beyond.
Words of Wisdom
“I meet so many submissive men or men who would like to be submissive, but they fight it because the thought of “I shouldn’t be, it’s bad” Because that’s not what society is telling me. And they come in and they feel this release and then they have to go back to that and they don’t know how to make these two things meet. I think it causes a lot of grief for a lot of people.”
“I would start with small tasks. Small, easily accomplishable tasks that position you as an authority. So you might sidle up to your partner and say “Hey, I feel like some play time, go take a shower, dry yourself off, lie down on the bed naked and wait for me” That’s very easy to accomplish and then you can just let them wait for a couple minutes.”
“I know some people who keep books and every time somebody makes a mistake, they write that down and when it comes to session time it’s “Do you remember you did this? This is what’s going to happen now because of it”. I don’t really do that. For me if it’s a really big problem then we’ll sit down and talk about it and talk about strategies to figure it out later.
“I think it’s very important to understand what you need, what you want, and how you want it done before you actually ask for anything. Think about that first, before you do anything, then you can give very clear instructions and then sometimes it’s lot easier to follow.”
“Understand yourself. What do you find fun, what do you find exciting, what would be interesting to you and also, find out what would be interesting for them and what would be exciting for them. You could definitely make some games. If I’m training subs, I like to train them in different skills, so I’ll give them a skill to focus on and that can be a measure of their progress.”
Other Great References You’ll Love
Manscaped — Luxury grooming kits for men and all their personal needs. Be sure to check out the Lawn Mower 4.0 + Weed Whacker Trimmers!
youwillpleaseme.com — Get online BDSM training, daily tasks, photos and videos by Mistress Eva Oh on her membership site.
8 Ways to Become more Sexually Assertive - A Sarasense blog post that offers ways you can assert yourself sexually that will help enhance your sexual experiences.
How to Dominate in the Bedroom, According to a Professional Dominatrix - This article examines the idea of what it means to take control in the bedroom and clears up misconceptions.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
How can you be more sexually assertive and dominant in the bedroom? Leave us a comment below - we'd love to know!