43. REKINDLING SEXUAL DESIRE
HOW CAN WE REKINDLE SEXUAL DESIRE FOR A LONG-TERM PARTNER? OR IS DESIRE ALWAYS DESTINED TO FADE?
On this pre-Valentine’s Day episode, Sara chats with Dr. Kristin Zeising, a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist, and co-host Mo from the Ho Ho Hong Kong podcast, and we tackle all things sexual desire.
Kristin shares the latest scientific thinking on the sexual response cycle, and we discuss the different styles of sexual desire - spontaneous vs responsive.
We learn that sexual desire doesn’t have to fade in long-term relationships, the nature of desire just changes over time.
By managing the biggest drivers and brakes that impact our sexual desire, we can take back control of our sex drives, and sex lives.
We also challenge the most common myths surrounding sexual desire, such as whether men really do want sex more than women and whether libido always drops off with age.
This episode offers practical strategies for lovers who are looking to spice things up and rekindle their sexual spark. So if you’re struggling with sexual desire in your relationship due to the pandemic or simply life’s daily challenges, have a listen!
More Juicy Bits on the Show
13:37-16:48 - Common myths surrounding sexual desire
16:50-19:18 - Does desire fade as we get older?
19:30-21:56 - Are men always more horny than women?
21:58-28:16 - The latest thinking on sexual response cycle
28:40-30:43 - Are we able to control our level of libido?
30:43-37:45 - Drivers that spark sexual desire
37:46-41:02 - Brakes that inhibit sexual desire
42:57-46:34 - Ways to cultivate our sexual desire
46:34-48:52 - Causes of fading sexual desire
49:00-51:06 - Strategies for rekindling your sexual desire
51:06-58:59 - Making sex a priority, includes scheduling it
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
Tips on Rekindling Sexual Desire
Introduce Novelty. Take a break from your routine by planning an unexpected romantic getaway. Or sending an unexpected naughty text. Or trying something new to spice things up and connect more sensually.
Make Sex a Priority. Make time for sex in your schedule. Take extra care to get yourself ready, turned on, and in the mood. This can mean taking a sensual shower, putting on something sexy, or lighting candles in the bedroom, anything to help you get excited.
Talk About Sex. If you’re in a relationship, write down the 3 most memorable sexual experiences you’ve had together, and then the 3 things you’d like to try together. Then share them with each other.
Engage in Sensual Touch. Engage in some no-obligation making out or naked cuddling or take a sexy shower together to maintain an erotic connection with your partner. Sex doesn’t have to be the ultimate goal.
Be Present In Your Body. Cultivate mindfulness to avoid overthinking and be more present during sex. Tune into your senses and focus on what you’re hearing, seeing, tasting, and touching at the moment.
Connect Emotionally. Have open, honest conversations with your partner and seek out a therapist to help you manage any lingering conflict and resentment in your relationship.
Words of Wisdom
“That spontaneous desire and excitement is something that is part of an initial relationship, so like the first 6 months to two years, it’s more common that you’ll look at your partner at go “Man, I want to have sex with you”. But what happens is, the longer we’re with somebody that spontaneous desire doesn’t really last, we have more what’s called responsive desire.”
“We shift in how we see each other. You’re not this unique person who I’ve just met and don’t know anything about. You get to know each other, and you start feeling like you’re closer and you’re closer and bonded, but the goal is to still continue to create an erotic relationship while you have this companionship relationship, and it takes teamwork.”
“Sexual desire is literally the thoughts, the fantasy, the interest and motivation to engage. In sexual activity, it’s the mental part. Physical arousal is where you’re getting erect, you’re getting lubricated, you’re getting flushed, and your hearts beating. Then there’s subjective arousal and that’s the idea that your brain is thinking “I’m turned on” So there’s the body saying it and then the brain saying it and they’re not always in sync.”
“If you’re in a relationship and want to kink it up a bit; phone sex, sexting, sending those little messages throughout the day. Anything you try that’s new and gets your out of that comfort zone can spark a lot because we get so comfortable in our relationships and it’s the same thing every day.”
“If people are more avoidant of conversation, they may not deal with some issues that arise or they may try to push down to gloss over it and they can be festering in resentments that build and you may not want to even come close to your partner. So putting that on the table and saying ‘there are messes we have to clean up’ and when you clear that air the energy starts to come back and you can see your partner as kind of a different person.”
Other Great References You’ll Love
Better sex through mindfulness – A book by Lori Brotto about improving desire, arousal, and sexual satisfaction through mindfulness.
Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers - A book by Peggy Kleinplatz for ordinary lovers who want to make erotic intimacy grow over the course of a lifetime
The Misunderstood Science of Sexual Desire - An article on the latest thinking about sexual desire and the research of Dr. Rosemary Basson on responsive desire and how it can affect women.
Promescent – Our sponsor for this episode. Sexual health company that makes a signature delay spray that is clinically proven to help men last longer in bed.
Manscaped — Our other sponsor for this episode. Luxury grooming kits for men and all their personal needs. Get 20% off and free shipping with promo code BETTERINBED.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
How do you rekindle sexual desire in your long-term relationship? Leave us a comment below - we'd love to know!