44. SELF-LOVE IS SEXY
HOW DOES SELF-LOVE HELP US HAVE A BETTER SEX LIFE?
On this uplifting episode, Sara sits down with co-host Emily Tan, the creator of the Tackling Minds podcast and relationship coach Valentina Tudose of Happy Ever After to discuss the principles of self-love and how they apply to the bedroom.
We start off with a definition of how self-love is about accepting and integrating all parts of ourselves, even the parts that we might ordinarily hide, reject or be ashamed of.
When we love ourselves enough, we stop performing in the bedroom, we have more pleasure, and we give ourselves permission to fully express our sexuality.
We then share the hardest lessons we’ve personally learned surrounding self-love including, how to prioritise ourselves, define healthy boundaries, and be more vulnerable.
If you’re someone that’s looking to empower yourself with self-love in the bedroom and beyond, this episode will give you practical tips to change unhelpful narratives around sex, deal with your inner critic, fully express your sexuality and more!
More Juicy Bits on the Show
3:48-8:47 - How Emily become a mental health advocate
10:59-12:27 - Masturbation as an act of self-love and self-care
16:27-22:34 - Defining self-love
22:44-25:37 - Valentina shares experiences from her cancer journey
25:41-34:17 - How to learn to love all aspects of yourself
34:18-38:50 - Why boundaries are a big part of self-love
38:51-43:52 - The relationship between self-love and sex
43:53-47:47 – Expressing your sexuality fully without performing
47:47-49:15 - The importance of speaking up and being assertive
49:29-55:25 - Advocating for your own pleasure
55:30-1:04:25 - How to change your inner narrative
AUDIO GUIDE: WANT TO GET BETTER IN BED?
Download this FREE audio guide to get 3 critical strategies to help you creatively and confidently rock it between the sheets.
How to Love Yourself (& Have Better Sex)
Give permission: Embrace and explore your sexuality without judgment and shame. Befriend your body and accept that sex can sometimes be messy, silly, and imperfect.
Prioritise pleasure: Make time to connect with your erotic self through masturbation, sensual movement, or anything that feels good. Stop performing, start feeling.
Speak up: Be more open and vulnerable with your lovers, and get comfortable asking for what you want in the bedroom. Let them know what feels good for you.
Change your narrative: Work on managing your inner critic, unlearn shameful narratives around sex, and turn your list of “should-s” into wants. “I am worthy of pleasure” is a great affirmation to use.
Have healthy boundaries: Educate your lovers around how you want to be treated and loved in and out of the bedroom by having healthy boundaries.
Words of Wisdom
“Masturbation for me had always been something that I need to carve out time for. And if I don’t carve out time and I don’t do it, it doesn’t get on my priority list. If you look at it from that context, you do need to prioritize your well-being in order to practice self-pleasure and to practice self-care. For me, masturbation is prioritizing care for ourselves, that was not something that I was educated on.”
“The journey of learning how to love is also the journey of learning how to love and accept ourselves more. The love that we seek in others, the reason why everyone on this planet needs a partner is because through partnerships and through loving others and being loved by others we discover and accept those parts of ourselves that otherwise, we would never know.”
“Sex is about acceptance. It’s about another person showing us that the parts of ourselves that culturally we’ve been told are bad, disgusting, horrible, smelly, and yucky and dirty, are actually loved by someone else & accepted by someone else.”
“Once we allow another person to be in our life and keep as a side piece or only call us whenever they feel like it, by allowing it, we’re essentially teaching them that it’s ok to treat us like that. To me, this is a reflection of ‘This person is doing this to show me that I am not putting myself first because if I was putting myself first, I wouldn’t be so available.”
“My trick to really empowering myself, to decide whether I am loving that part of me or not is that I take that statement and I replace the word ‘should’ with ‘want’. If I feel that statement resonating with me and I feel my whole body leaning into that statement, I know that I’m going to find the motivation to do it and I have the power to choose to do it.”
“This dialogue is happening all the time with our inner critic and we’re allowing that authority to give us these negative messages but once you interrupt that, the story that you tell yourself about yourself and you speak to yourself with love and acceptance, it’s transformative. It’s rewiring your brain to love and accept you.”
Other Great References You’ll Love
The School of Life – A YouTube channel dedicated to exploring the great questions of emotional and psychological life. Videos focus on developing emotional well-being through ideas and discussion.
Mira Fertility — Our sponsor on this episode. The most effective, at-home, lab-quality fertility tracking system on the market. Get 10% off the Mira Fertility system with promo code BETTERINBED
Beducated – Our sponsor on this episode. The #1 resource for sexual health and happiness offering the Sex-Ed you wish you’d had! Get 65% off their annual subscription with code BETTERINBED.
What’s Your Love Language? - This fun quiz will help you discover your primary love language, what it means, and how you can use it to better connect with your loved ones.
6 Quick but Powerful Micro-Shifts to Help You Practice Self-Love Every Day – Easy, yet powerful, tips to help you get into a mindset of self-love and balance in your life.
TELL US WHAT YOU THINK!
How does self-love help you have a better sex life?