5 Strategies for Busy Moms to Reconnect Sexually

BY KRISTIN ZEISING, SEX THERAPIST

Many moms find that at the end of the day they would much rather zone out on their favorite Netflix show or indulge in their iPhone rather than indulge in their partner.

This can be understandable as many moms feel the pressures of work, or taking care of kids, which doesn't leave a lot of time and energy for them, let along sex with their partner.

I also hear moms say that sex can seem like somewhat of a burden- another chore to do. That sex is the last thing on their list.

They say it’s because they’re just not in the mood, or have too many other things on their mind, or it’s late at night and they’re exhausted from the day, or frankly they’re just bored of the sex they do have!

So many understandable reasons yet we all know that sexual connection in an important part of a relationship. So how do you start to reconnect sexually when your mind and body just want to tune out?

Tend in to your own needs first

We know you’ve heard this before, but it’s so valuable it’s worth saying again! Moms tend to focus on everyone else, then if they have any energy left, will think about caring for themselves.

We know mom guilt is a real thing. The spoken or unspoken message that moms should always be giving is internalized from our culture and women often feel guilty if they don’t.

Some women even feel selfish if they take time for themselves. The outcome though is that if you’re feeling depleted you’re not going to have any space or energy for sex and connection with your partner, and your kids will miss out. So everyone loses!

In order to have a balanced life, make time to tend to your individual needs like friendships, interests or hobbies, and the basics like getting enough sleep.

Ask you partner for support to override these ingrained messages that your needs come last by encouraging time for yourself.

Carve out some “Mom Time” and get support with child care or chores so that you can recharge.

Once you get this in order, then you’ll feel more filled up and have room for intimate connection with your partner.

Figuring out your intimacy language with the quiz below will help you communicate better, inside and outside the bedroom.

Engage in Mindful Presence

When you do engage in sexual activity, you will get the most benefits out of the experience if you are present in your body and not stuck up in your head.

To help feel more “embodied”, focus on all of your senses in the current moment -touch, taste, hearing, sight and smell.

Use candles, romantic music, or massage oil to help heighten your senses and quiet your mind.

Take slow, deep breaths to help calm your nervous system and bring your energy back into the body.

If you notice your thoughts drifting to what the kids are doing or a work deadline, remind yourself that you deserve to be just where you are and come back to the moment.

Give yourself permission to experience touch and pleasure and take it in. It can take practice to bring your attention back to the current moment, but it’s a practice that comes with sexual and mental benefits.

Create a sexual menu

Sex can be a whole menu of items…from a quickie appetizer to a whole lingering 10 course dinner.

It’s about being creative and open to what you’re wanting in the moment and not resorting to the same sexual script each time.

You can take turns giving each other sensual massages, or take a shower together to help relax and reconnect to your body. Either of those may be fulfilling in themselves.

Or, they may be turn-ons that get your juices flowing and entice you to enjoy other activities together.

Give yourself permission to broaden the concept of what being sexual means. Recognize that sexual pleasure is about doing things you both enjoy rather than being intercourse and orgasm-focused.

When you take the pressure off of expectations and finish lines and flow with what feels good in the moment, it can be a sexually liberating experience.

Learn to Stoke Your Own Fire

We often put the responsibility on our partner to get us in the mood for sex. But that puts a lot of pressure on them.

Why not take it into your own hands? Light your own fire and turn yourself on by spending some time cultivating your own sexual energy.

Engaging in a little self pleasuring can get your juices flowing and ready for connection with your partner. Take a nice warm bath and notice the feel of the soap on your skin.

Use sexual fantasy to think about what you’d like to experience with your partner,or think about the times in which you had a really positive sexual experience to help turn you on.

Reading erotica or watching porn can also help you get in the mood, along with taking a moment to pull out the vibrator or lube to really get your blood flowing.

Tuning into your own body and becoming familiar with what gets you aroused is empowering and can be valuable information for your partner as well.

Remain curious and creative

We have this notion that once we have found “the one” we can relax and not have to work hard anymore, but in reality, we have to work even harder!

If you want to be with someone for 10 or 20 years, in order to keep it interesting, you have to be more creative and imaginative than ever before.

Passionate energy and anticipation around sex often disappears in long term relationships because we get familiar and lazy and stop stoking the fire.

We settle for the same routine and avoid going outside our comfort zone.

Rekindle the sexual energy by creating rituals to keep the sexual energy going. Sending sexy texts or flirting can be a start.

Get out of the rut by maintaining a curiosity in yourself and your partner. Have you seen sexy things you’d like to try but never told them? Have you asked them about their fantasies or desires?

Bringing this renewed interest and energy can shake up your relationship, which is what it just may need.

Showing your partner that you’re open to evolve and expand can help you have a more satisfying sexual life than you ever expected.

Dr. Zeising is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Sex Therapist practising in Hong Kong. Her goal is to compassionately support and empower adults to live an authentic and meaningful life that reflects their individual, sexual and relationship needs and values. Over the past 15 years, she's worked with individuals, couples, families and groups and taught psycho-educational classes on topics such as stress reduction, mindfulness practices, couples communication and overcoming depression.