Better in Bed: 3 Steps To Gaining Sexual Confidence
BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH
Maybe you’re self-conscious about your body and are afraid to turn on the lights during sex.
Or maybe you’re so anxious about how you’re performing in the bedroom that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Or maybe you feel like you are always prioritizing your partner’s sexual needs above your own and can’t bring yourself to ask for what you really want.
Whatever it is, there’s something holding you back in the bedroom and it comes down to this – a lack of confidence.
CONFIDENCE IS SEXY… YET SO FEW OF US HAVE IT
Confidence is hands down one of the sexiest traits you can have in life, and it’s extra critical when it comes to a healthy sex life. It helps us feel sexually attractive and desirable. It’s also the feeling that comes from knowing whatever you bring to the bedroom will be highly valued by your partner.
Take the quiz below if you’re wondering how confident a lover you are, and get guidance on how to feel more empowered in the bedroom. The results might be surprising. Sometimes people who seem like they “have it all” – high-flying careers, well-paid jobs and supportive relationships – yet still lack confidence in the bedroom.
Sex is an incredibly vulnerable act, and often our lack of confidence stems from a fear of rejection. We also get messages all the time that sex is dirty and shameful. We were taught in schools about reproduction and abstinence, not about pleasure and orgasm.
On the other hand, we also have movies, pop culture and mainstream pornography serving up a one-dimensional version of sexuality, which so often creates unrealistic expectations about the kind of sex we think we should be having.
Sadly, all this has done is made us over-think, doubt and feel guilty about our sexuality. Many of us have learned how to either over-perform (e.g. faking orgasms) or suppress our natural desires because we want to feel accepted by society, and feel like we’re normal.
Ultimately, you can say that we have been socialized into being tame, passive lays!
CONFIDENT LOVERS ARE MADE NOT BORN
Sexual confidence isn’t something that necessarily comes by overnight. In fact, if you think back to your early sexual encounters, you’ll probably remember how awkward and naïve they were.
Nobody was born confident in the bedroom; rather we acquire this over time and with experience. Some of us were lucky enough to have the guidance of a patient partner. Or we learned the hard way, by making mistakes and then figuring things out after a great deal of reflection.
Time and again, I’ve encountered the common perception that sexual confidence is linked to some kind of sexual prowess, like learning how to give the perfect blowjob, or even how many lovers one has. But I have to disagree. These things are all great, and they could very well be the traits and behaviors of a confident lover.
But I believe that the journey to sexual confidence starts with healing your sexual relationship with yourself first. It is a process of love and acceptance, no matter what level you’re at.
It involves believing that you deserve pleasure and then claiming it for your own. It’s about recognizing your desires are valid and normal, and living without shame. It’s about embracing your body, and enjoying everything it brings you.
The best part is that sexual confidence is not partner-dependent. Once you’ve learned to cultivate it, no one can take it away from you.
After running Asia’s-only sex and sexuality podcast, Better in Bed and teaching people about sexuality for a decade, I have distilled how to build sexual confidence into 3 fundamental steps – Education, Exploration, Communication – which I’d like to share with you.
STEP 1: EDUCATION
Do your sex homework
Knowledge is power, so naturally the first step to building sexual confidence is Education. Specifically, pleasure-focused sex education.
Many of us received limited sex education when we were growing up, and mainstream porn has filled in the vacuum of sex education for many of us. However, porn is only a fantasy representation of sex.
Instead a better starting point might be OMGYes, a platform dedicated to the latest science on sexuality and featuring more than 2,000 women, aged 18 to 95.
There are many other TV series, books and podcasts that can also help. Invest some time in doing your sex homework, and you’ll be surprised at what you can learn.
Become an expert at your own sexuality
All your thoughts, associations and experiences of sex go into shaping who you are as a sexual being.
To understand where you are sexually, a good place to start is to reflect on your most meaningful sexual encounters previously and ask yourself: what did you like, what didn’t you like, what would you be curious to try?
Think also about the childhood messages you received around sexuality, and the impact it’s had on you. Working through the past can sometimes be complicated, but in doing so, you’ll be able to more easily identify where your barriers to confidence lie and how to deal with them.
STEP 2: EXPLORATION
Be a “Sexplorer”
The second step to building sexual confidence is Exploration. This is where we put what we put what we learned from Step 1 into practice.
Engaging with different people, different contexts and different sexual activities will help us grow as sexual beings. However because we have such a big taboo around sex, this can make us feel uncomfortable and nervous.
I believe that only by approaching sex with an attitude of genuine openness and curiosity can we build the foundation for greater awareness, and therefore confidence.
This doesn’t have to mean pushing past any hard boundaries, but it may be about letting go of certain inhibitions that are holding us back or inventing new ways to engage sexually within a current relationship. Sometimes small changes can have a big impact.
Learn the art of self-pleasure
The best way to feel good about yourself sexually is to make yourself feel good. Kinda obvious, right?
Masturbation brings a whole range of health and wellness benefits. And when you masturbate regularly, you’ll understand that sexual pleasure is something you can access independently of your partner. That realization in itself is already a form of confidence and empowerment.
Particularly, masturbating in front of the mirror can help you to tune into your body, boost radical self-love and remedy negative body image. You might even discover some fun, new O-faces!
Knowing how your body works and what it responds to will make it easier for you to be more confident with asking for the right kind of stimulation when you are with a partner, which brings us to Step 3: Communication.
STEP 3: COMMUNICATION
Make sex an ongoing conversation
Communication can be a vulnerable act, but it is critical to building sexual confidence. Talking about sex deepens intimacy and connection, and it makes us better at sex. That simple.
You’ll be surprised at how many people tell me things as their sex coach that they simply never talk to their partners about. Because we often lack the skills to talk about sex in a productive, meaningful manner.
It’s always a good idea to talk about sex at a time that isn’t just before or during sex. The best conversations about sex are always at a time when everyone is relaxed and open to talking about it. I always suggest broaching the topic of sex in a broader, more general way, if you’re starting out. Zeroing in directly on what’s going on with your current sex life can sometimes put your partner on the defensive.
Some great conversation starters could be: What does sex mean to you? What importance does sex play in a relationship?
Or play this game called Yes / No / Maybe with your partner. Write down what you love doing (“Yes”), what your boundaries are (“No”) or what you would be up for trying (“Maybe”) during sex and get your partner to do the same. Then discuss!
Conversations about sex should always be ongoing, and not a one-off. This sets the precedent within your relationship that sex is always a topic that can be discussed, and not something awkward, or something that is only talked about in a crisis situation.
If you’re lacking a partner to talk to sex about with, then the conversation starters above could also work just as well in a friend’s setting. The whole idea is to practice talking about sex such that it removes the taboo and becomes a normal part of your everyday conversation. As normal as talking about a holiday or what you had for dinner!
Good communication validates who we are sexually and what we know, which in turn feed into Steps 1 Education and 2 Exploration. If you need personalized guidance on how these three steps work as a virtuous cycle to build sexual confidence, then do consider signing up for a sex coaching session where we can work through them in more detail.
Confidence is an aphrodisiac, and as it grows, it is likely that you will find yourself desiring sex and enjoying it a whole lot more. You will also start to radiate the kind of sex appeal that has nothing to do with your physical attributes, but comes with inner strength and independence, and knowing yourself inside out.
If you’re interested in becoming more sexually confident using the Better in Bed sex coaching methodology that I introduced in this article, find out if you’re a good fit with working with me here.
Want to gain more sexual confidence? How Do I Tell Someone What I Really Want In Bed and How to Introduce a Sex Toy to a Partner are great places to go next.
(Article first published on Sassy Hong Kong)