10 Commonly Misunderstood Sexuality Terms – Explained!
BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH
How many times have you heard a completely new word or term in the world of sex and sexuality, and wondered what it was?
If you follow popular culture or listen to sex-positive podcasts (like my Better in Bed Podcast), you’ll realise that new terms are coined all the time. However because of our limited sex education and general reluctance to talk about sex, many of us may still be unclear about what these terms mean.
That’s why as a certified sex coach and educator, I felt compelled take a comprehensive look at the 10 most commonly misused and misunderstood sexuality terms – where we often get confused, what the correct definitions actually mean – so you can ensure you’re getting them right.
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10 Commonly Misunderstood Sexuality Terms
1. Cisgender (or ‘cis’)
The term cisgender, which emerged in the 1990s, refers to those people whose gender identity matches that which they were assigned at birth. This contrasting term emerged as a response to the term “transgender” becoming increasingly prominent.
This term is often confused with heterosexuality – which describes a person’s sexual orientation. However, a cisgender person may not necessarily be straight, and the two terms should not be used interchangeably.
2. Demisexual
This term is used to describe someone who only experiences attraction to people they are emotionally close to. Demisexuality is used to describe a pattern of sexual attraction, and is believed to be an add-on to a person’s identity rather than being a distinct sexual orientation.
A demisexual can identify as gay, straight, or bisexual, and may not have a gender preference when it comes to sexual attraction. It’s more about how you want to go about a relationship rather than who you would want to be in a relationship with.
Demisexuals often abstain from casual sex, just because they experience no immediate sexual attraction to the outer qualities of a person.
3. Gender or Gender binary
The concept of gender is a complex one, and as a term, gender is often confused with biological sex, of which there are two: male and female. There is a common thinking that: “If you have penis, you’re a man. If you have a vagina, you’re a woman”, however this isn’t entirely accurate.
The gender binary is the classification of gender characteristics into two distinct forms of “masculine” and “feminine”, which don’t overlap.
A more modern understanding of gender rejects the binary concept (see gender fluidity), and accommodates variations of gender upon a spectrum. So it very much depends upon how you as an individual experience gender – who you feel you are, how you express yourself, and more.
4. Gender fluidity
People who are gender fluid fluctuate between all genders and over time. Some don’t identify with any gender. And some have gender that changes over time.
Gender fluid people may prefer more gender-neutral pronouns such as “they/ them” as opposed to “he/ she”. If you’re in a social situation and you’re unsure of someone’s preferred pronouns, respectfully ask them.
It’s also important to note that gender and sexuality are not inherently linked. Someone who is gender-fluid may always choose to go to bed with women, regardless of which gender they are choosing to represent as.
5. Kink
When we hear the word “kink”, we may be inclined to imagine BDSM sexual practices such as whipping, spanking and choking.
However, the word kink simply refers to any sexual activity that deviates from the social “norm” (aka vanilla). However, due to the popularity of porn and 50 Shades of Grey, kink is becoming ever more mainstream.
A recent study showed that 30% of American adults are into spanking, so many people’s sexual practices today could qualify as kinky.
6. LGBTQ+ or LGBTQIA
The acronym LGBTQIA stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex and asexual. While the term “queer” is included in this acronym, many people describe themselves as queer as it includes any sexuality that is not heterosexuality. Q can sometimes also stand for “questioning”, if an individual is undecided.
We’ve used LGBT and LGBTQ for many years, but today it’s expanded to LGBTQIA to include I for Intersex and A for Asexual, and sometimes you may see a plus on the end of this to be inclusive of everyone who is not heterosexual. (See the full list of LGBTQIA definitions here, and further definitions you likely don’t know about here.)
7. Pansexual
Pansexuality refers to a person who is emotionally and physically attracted to people of all genders. This term was brought to the mainstream by celebrity pansexuals such as Miley Cyrus and Cara Delavigne. Essentially, a pansexual may fall in love with anyone, regardless of how they chose to identify, though this can go for sexual preferences, too.
There’s a lot of overlap between bisexuality and pansexuality even within the queer community. Many bisexuals now have updated the definition of bisexual to be inclusive of all genders, whereas others have favoured using “pansexual”, given that pan does indeed mean “all.”
8. Polyamory
Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple simultaneous romantic relationships, with the knowledge of everyone involved.
Polyamory is a form of consensual non-monogamy, however it is not the same as being in an open relationship or “swinging”, which often refers to someone who has casual, non-emotional sex outside their relationship but often do not engage in intimate loving relationships or partnerships with more than one person
Polyamory is an umbrella term for many different types of relationships, such as triads (a relationship between 3 people), quads (a poly relationship between 4 people) or more.
9. Transgender
The word transgender is a general term used to describe someone whose gender identity is different to their biological sex at birth. It is the opposite of cisgender.
It is an umbrella term that encompasses both those who simply represent as a different gender but still maintain their biological sex, and those who are transexual, who have changed their sex through medical means.
10. Vulva
Most people use the word vagina to refer to the entire female genitals, but the vagina solely refers to the birth canal. The vulva actually refers to the external parts of the female genitals, including the clitoris, labia and vaginal opening.
It is unfortunate that most sex education places an emphasis on reproduction, and not pleasure, thus we are taught extensively about the vagina while 73% of women are confused about which part of their body their vulva is.
Why using the right sexuality terminology matters
Words have power. As much as we may want to avoid labels, many of us feel validated when we have the right words that accurately describe parts of our identity, as it helps us feel seen and understood in society. It also helps us find common ground with other people who identify similarly.
Knowing the correct terminology for our sexual body parts is also important for our sexual health and safety, especially from both a medical and legal perspective. And it is something that I always recommend is taught from a young age.
If you now realise your sex education has been lacking, don’t worry! I am a certified sex coach and have plenty of resources here to help you become a better ally, human being, better lover, and of course become better in bed! Find out more about working with me here.
Or you can check out my Talking About Sex Made Easy online programme that will help you become a more confident sexual communicator, avoid awkwardness and build deeper connections for further inspiration.