How to Manage Sexual Frustration

BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH

Any person of any age can experience sexual frustration. Contrary to what the movies say, sexual frustration is not reserved for horny teenage boys or menopausal women.

Sexual frustration can be experienced by single people, people in committed relationships, people who have sex regularly, and people who don’t.

Many of us have felt some kind of sexual frustration over the past year. We’ve all had to adjust to life in lockdown. For some of us, that meant we were with our partners all the time. For others, it meant we didn’t see anyone for sexual contact for entire months, even seasons.

If sexual frustration is something you are currently experiencing, regardless of whether you’re single or in a committed relationship, then I would like to share some helpful sex coaching tips about how to manage it in a healthy, satisfying and productive way.

What is Sexual Frustration?

People experience and exhibit signs of sexual frustration differently. But being able to manage your sexual frustration is closely tied to your overall quality of life.

Sexual frustration is a gradual build-up of tension and sexual energy to a point where it may feel uncomfortable for you. With sexual frustration, there’s often a lack of release that may feel like a blockage or contraction in the body.

Those experiencing sexual frustration may feel like they lack a sense of flow. This dissatisfaction can manifest as agitation, depression, anxiety and even reckless behavior.

Identifying the Root Cause of Your Sexual Frustration

Sexual frustration usually comes from a lack of something, whether that’s intimacy, emotional connection, or just the physicality of sex itself.

In order to manage sexual frustration, I work with my clients to first identify what exactly they are lacking and then help them brainstorm ideas for how to seek that out, just as you would in any other part of your life.

Of course, in a time of a pandemic, this can often be easier said than done. But that’s why it’s important to get really granular about the root cause of what’s missing. Getting in touch with yourself is key to becoming more confident sexually and feeling satisfied. Take the quiz below to gauge where you are.

If You’re Lacking Sexual / Sensual Pleasure: Masturbation & Self-Touch

Masturbation or solo sex is often the quickest and most reliable way to remedy sexual frustration. However, you may not get that full sense of pleasure and release if you masturbate the same way each time.

Try mixing things up: think about how you have sex with a new person in the early weeks of a relationship. You explore new things, and take your time. Give yourself the same quality of attention. Make it a sensual experience.

Change the intention of your masturbation, and be creative about it. Make it about exploration and expression, rather than instant sexual gratification. Light some candles and invest in some silky sheets; treat yourself like you’d like a lover to treat you. 

If you haven’t before, try edging or orgasm control to introduce more variety and increase the intensity of your orgasm. This is where you take yourself to the edge, close to orgasm, and then hold back. This is a great way to make your self-pleasure time more interesting, and it’s something you can use when with others in the future.

Explore sensual self-touch or self-massage: it’s common for us to focus primarily on genitals when we touch ourselves, almost disregarding the other erogenous zones.

Try touching yourself all over, particularly the areas of your body you wouldn’t always think of touching. For example, taking your fingertips and rubbing them through your hair or across your scalp, can feel either energizing or relaxing. Or cup your hands around your neck for a gentle, reassuring caress.

Lacking Sexual Connection with a Partner: Communicate

If you’re feeling a lack of sexual connection with your partner, know you aren’t alone.

A pandemic doesn’t exactly encourage sexual intimacy. Maybe you’re in a situation where you’ve not seen each other in a long time, or you’ve seen each other constantly, through all the stressors the pandemic has brought.

Communication is vital in all relationships, from purely platonic to friends with benefits, or long-term, monogamous partners. Be sensitive to what your partner is feeling, especially if this year has been stressful for them, but don’t be afraid to talk about sex.

Talk about the fact that you’d like to express your feelings sexually, and see where they’re at. If you live together, it may simply be that everyday has blurred into one, and so you both may need to recommit to making sex a priority again.

If you’re lacking inspiration, why not come up with ideas to woo your partner?

Try to bring the romance back into your relationship, even at home. Flirt, touch fleetingly, and come up with a menu of options you can connect sexually, besides penetrative sex. Buy new toys, learn erotic massage, try role play – anything that sounds interesting to both of you.

If you’re physically living apart and there are still limitations due to the pandemic, communication is key to keep up your emotional connection. Whatever your circumstances, don’t pressure your partner. Remember that these are extraordinary circumstances, and it’s likely only temporary.

If you can’t be together physically, explore other aspects of your sexual desires. Consider trying role play, dirty talk, buy toys for one another, talk about fantasies you’ve always had, find porn for one another to watch, if that’s something your comfortable with.

This is a great time to learn new sexual skills and get new ideas for things you can do once you’re together once more. If you need a little more guidance on becoming a more confident sexual communicator, check out the tools and lessons on my online course “Talking About Sex Made Easy”.

Lacking Sexual Connection with Others: Put Yourself Out There

If you’re feeling a lack of connection with others, you need to put yourself out there. This will be harder at some times than others, but it’s vital if you want anything to change.

Download an app and find someone to flirt with, or reach out to an old lover you may not have spoken to for a while. The worldwide need to isolate has inspired dating apps to create new ways to connect, so try taking advantage of these.

For example, Feeld is an all-inclusive app that offers virtual locations, called “Feeld Cores”. They offer Staying at Home, Fantasy Bunker, and Remote Trios, so you can even explore sexting in a trio with a couple or single with people all over the world.

If you’re not looking for a relationship, a friends-with-benefits setup can work if you’re honest about your expectations and the relationship has clear boundaries.

If meeting with people in person is off the table currently, video sex and sexting are great alternatives. It can feel awkward at first, but after those initial messages or minutes, things can quickly heat up.  

Channelling Sexual Energy into Meaningful Activities

It’s also worth remembering that we don’t just release sexual energy in the bedroom or with a partner. If you are feeling pent up, remember to care for yourself and use your body to release that tension in other ways.

For example, exercise and moving your body is a great way to get the blood flowing and release the energy that’s been building inside you. This can be as simple as a good workout or long run, or you can do something that uses your sexual energy.

Dancing can be extremely sexy. If you need a guide, there are plenty of free videos available on YouTube you can follow and have fun with. Try salsa, hip hop, K-pop, or tango. If the restrictions allow, why not try a pole dancing class? While pole dancing has a clear erotic element, it’s also hard work and great exercise!

If you prefer something where you won’t work up a sweat, why not take a hot steamy bath using essential oils, or a luxurious bath bomb? Light candles, play relaxing or sexy music, and take your time. It’s a great way to indulge yourself.

If you prefer to stay dry, or don’t have a bathtub, try erotic breathwork. Breath is an important part of any orgasm, but most people don’t know how to harness its full power. In Tantra, there are even ways to have a fire-breath and energy orgasm, which you can do solo.

You can also let your sexual energy out creatively: write an erotic story, read erotica online, paint or draw erotic imagery. Remember that what is erotic to you is intensely personal, so explore your fantasies and remember you don’t have to default to what society has largely deemed erotic. Connect with yourself and see what flows from you.

Of course, never forget that you can simply choose to be uninhibited and in a “flow state” in your home.

Ask yourself, what would you like to do completely naked? Try dancing naked, or simply spend time in your home, walking around and connecting with you as you are – we often only spend time naked in the bathroom or in bed, it can be an awakening simply to be open and vulnerable elsewhere.

Shift your definition of sex, and adjust your expectations

Finally, it can be helpful to shift the way you think of sex. Since sexual frustration often comes from not having our expectations met.

One helpful way to avoid sexual frustration is to expand the definition of sex to go beyond just genital intercourse and physical contact. Instead, explore the different avenues for sensual pleasure, expressing sexual energy and indulge in your erotic imagination, as opposed to focusing on a specific goal of “getting laid”.

And regardless of your relationship status, remember you are the one who is responsible for your own sexual fulfilment, don’t rely on a partner to address that for you.

If you still find yourself struggling with sexual frustration either on your own or with a partner, then working with a sex coach is a great investment. You will be able to learn the tools to help you explore your sexuality solo, and channel your sexual energy.

If you’re looking for more guidance, check out my other blog posts such as 7 Ways To Become Your Own Sexpert, and How to Keep the Spark Alive When Working From Home for further inspiration.