How to Overcome Sexual Performance Anxiety

Even the most confident people can experience sexual performance anxiety. And while sexual performance anxiety is mostly experienced due to psychological causes, it can lead to physical issues.

Sexual performance anxiety is when a person feels anxious before or during sex about satisfying or pleasing their partner. This can exhibit itself in the form of typical anxiety symptoms such as rapid breathing, nausea, excessive sweating, dry mouth, and much more.

Or in some cases, it can result in painful sex, faking orgasms, erection issues and it can even take away our desire for sex altogether. When someone is overly focused on whether they will perform well, it also makes them less present and easily distracted from their partners.

People can experience sexual performance issues for a variety of reasons. Some of the main culprits of performance anxiety being body image, mental health issues, relationship problems, or previous bad experiences.

To find out how confident a lover you are, take the quiz below.

Whatever the root cause of your performance issues are, just know that there are ways to overcome these difficulties. Below is a list of strategies and tactics to help improve your confidence in your bedroom abilities.

Take the pressure off

To start with, we need to shift away from thinking about sex as a kind of performance, and with it, the feeling that we are constantly falling short. Unfortunately porn is now so widely available that it shapes a lot of our expectations around sex, and can cause us to feel inadequate when we compare ourselves to what we see on screen.

It may also take some time to challenge our cultural conditioning: men are often socialised to think about sex like competitive sport, which is tied to masculinity. And women experience pressure to please their partners or they don’t want their partners to feel bad when they don’t experience orgasm. 

However, sex doesn’t have to be goal-oriented. And great sex isn’t all about erections or orgasms, it’s about intimacy, connection and being present to pleasure. The more you remove the pressure to perform, the higher the likelihood of having a fulfiling sexual encounter.

Make foreplay the main course

Learn how to be intimate without sexual intercourse. In fact, try taking intercourse off the table for a few night and exploring other ways to please each other using lips, mouths, hands and words without an end-goal in mind.

The word “foreplay” can give the impression that its only an appetizer to the main course i.e. penetrative intercourse. However, by itself sensual foreplay can be very fulfilling, intimate and pleasurable.

It gives you a chance to explore each other without the pressure of having to reach some kind of target, and many women are also more likely to experience orgasms from foreplay if there is direct clitoral stimulation involved.

Leave the past in the past

Although we’d like sex to go smoothly every single time, sometimes you can’t help the occasional awkward moment in bed. Most times, these experiences aren’t as bad as we believe them to be, but that doesn’t stop those memories from haunting the present.

Constantly reliving a time that previously embarrassed you can make it harder to focus on having sex in the future. Instead of enjoying the moment, you’re worried about having round two of embarrassment. The best way to overcome this is to try and move on.

Putting the situation behind you won’t be easy if it happened recently, but it’s not impossible. Stop overthinking and over-analyzing your past sexual encounters, and just relax and be in the moment.

Reiterate to yourself that you cannot change the past and that reliving the moment is only serving to negatively affect you currently. Take control of your situation by coming to terms with what’s happened while actively deciding to leave the past behind you.

Address relationship problems

If you’re currently having problems in your relationship, your sexual performance may suffer because of it. For example, couples who’ve experienced unresolved conflict or infidelity can develop trust and self-esteem issues.

Thoughts of “I’m not good enough” or “What am I lacking” can cycle through a person’s head before or during sex with their partner. Intrusive thoughts such as those block intimacy and can make sex difficult sex because your mind is pre-occupied.  

Not only that, but you can experience physical effects like gastro-intestinal issues and migraines too, making it even harder to perform intimately. This is why working through relationship issues before being intimate is crucial.

Sit down with your partner and have an open discussion about your feelings. Brainstorm what it is that you both need to do to help overcome hurdles in your relationship. Solutions may vary depending on what difficulties you’re going through.

Improve your body confidence

We all have insecurities, and that’s understandable. But what most people don’t realise is that confidence is something that can be built and consciously worked on, it doesn’t come to everyone effortlessly.

A survey on body confidence shows that 1 in 10 women don’t feel confident during sex. This lack of confidence won’t help things in the bedroom and can potentially hinder women from getting aroused, reaching orgasm, or pleasing their partner in the capacity they’d like.

The same goes for men. Lacking body confidence can easily lead to problems like erectile dysfunction if you don’t feel sexy or lack confidence in your bedroom skills. Building confidence isn’t an instantaneous thing and differs from situation to situation.

One way to boost your body confidence is by using words of affirmation and manifestation. These can either come from yourself or your partner, preferably both. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and tell yourself that you are sexy, confident, and self-assured. Great body positive affirmations to use are:

“My body deserves love and respect”

“I love my body as it is today”

“I accept my body the way it is”

“Thank you body for taking care of me”

Repeating these daily can quickly start to influence your brain into believing it. Having your partner reiterate that they find your body sexy and desirable, and that you are everything they want in a significant other can help too.

Hearing this can help affirm what you’ve been telling yourself. Additionally, adopting healthy habits like increasing water intake, exercising, and eating healthy can help you to look and feel better about yourself. Therefore, improving confidence and self-esteem.

Consider Sex Coaching & Therapy

Having a professional give you unbiased advice may be exactly what you need to learn more strategies to relieve performance anxiety, unblock your relationship and improve your sex life.  

Couples therapy or a session with a sex coach can help you and your significant other create a safe space to discuss your issues.  There are even online courses that you can take to help you and your partner work through your sex problems by finding meaningful ways to communicate.

Look into specialized treatments

Sometimes lifestyle changes may not be enough, and you might need some additional assistance. For men experiencing erectile dysfunction (ED), you can talk to your doctor about using ED meds.

This can help you while you wait for the other changes to kick in and give you the confidence boost you need in bed. For women, there are many natural ways that have been shown to increase desire and libido.  

Sexual performance anxiety is very normal, and it is very possible to have a satisfying sex life if you are someone who struggles with it. However there is no one ‘magic-pill’ solution for performance anxiety. Instead look into adopting a holistic set of steps and strategies that will transform the very foundations of your approach to sex.

If you need more support and guidance, find out more about sex coaching sessions here. Or check out other blog posts such as How can Mindfulness Improve My Sex Life, and How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive Long Term for further inspiration.