Orgasm Gap: Why It Exists & How to Close It

BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH

The orgasm gap refers to the fact that, in heterosexual interactions, women have fewer orgasms than men.

Experts and studies show that as few as 55% of women are likely to have an orgasm in comparison to 95% men during a sexual encounter. This gap widens in casual hook-up situations, and is narrower in committed relationships.

So in this day and age, why does this orgasm gap exist and are you confident enough to close it?

Take the quiz below to figure out how confident a lover you are, and the steps and skills you need to learn to become better in bed.

Prioritisation of Male Pleasure during Intercourse

Orgasm gap researcher and sex therapist Dr Laurie Mintz, says the biggest reason – and it’s not the only one – for the gap is the cultural ignorance of the clitoris and the prioritisation of penetrative intercourse.

This ties in with how we see sex as a society. Our culture over-values men’s most common method of orgasm (genital penetration), whereas women’s most common method of orgasm (external clitoral stimulation) is undervalued.

This cultural prioritisation starts with our language. What’s the first word that comes to mind when I say the word “sex” to you? For many people, the word “sex” equates to penetrative sex between a man and woman, while cunnilingus or direct clitoral stimulation is downplayed as “foreplay”.

Most popular representations of female pleasure in mainstream magazines and also in porn, show images of women apparently having mind-blowing orgasms from penetrative intercourse.

Considering a huge 70-80% of women are unable to orgasm through penetration alone, this is a huge oversight. Often penetrative intercourse does not provide enough clitoral stimulation for a woman to experience orgasm.

As a sex coach, this is the first thing that I clarify for many of my female clients who feel disappointed or “broken” when their orgasm feels elusive in situations where they are mainly engaging in penetrative intercourse. I reassure them that they are simply not being stimulated in the right way in most heterosexual encounters.

Conflicting Messages around Female Sexuality

 There are also other cultural problems that contribute to the orgasm gap. Society judges women more harshly than men for casual sex. Men are often admired for their sexual conquests, whereas women are often expected to protect their virtue and purity.

This “stud vs. slut” narrative is especially prevalent in conservative societies in Asia. And it is a double standard that holds women back from exploring their bodies, their sexuality and also advocating for their own pleasure.

Many heterosexual women may even feel a sense of duty or responsibility to bring their male partners to orgasm, without giving themselves the permission to focus on their own pleasure.

This belief that women should put someone else’s needs and enjoyment above their own is reinforced by traditional “carer” roles that women play in society and it can be difficult to shift.

Get Educated to Close the Orgasm Gap

 So how do we close the orgasm gap? The best way is to get educated. Most of us received a terribly limited sex education growing up that focused on reproduction, and not on pleasure. In order to close the gap, it’s important to learn about learn more about how female sexuality and pleasure works.

The social skills around sex are also critical, since many of us need to learn how to be better at asking for what we want to generally communicating clearly with our partners in order to give us pleasure.

Attending an online coaching programme, like Better in Bed Foundations, which is designed to help smart, capable women break out of patterns that result in unfulfilling, lacklustre sex could be one of the best ways to fix the gaps in your education. 

Expand The Definition of Sex

 Another way to close the orgasm gap is to expand the definition of sex. Sex isn’t just about intercourse, it’s about all forms of pleasure and play that brings enjoyment to both partners. This means putting equal priority on sexual activities that provide internal stimulation and external stimulation.

While this may seem counter-intuitive in an article discussing the orgasm gap, less focus should be put on the “goal” of orgasm so both partners can relax and enjoy themselves in whatever way brings them pleasure.

Specific Tips for Women: Pleasure Yourself

 The women who are most likely to ensure they orgasm or tell their partner how to do it during sex are those who know how to do it solo. As a sex coach, I encourage all women and vulva owners to take responsibility for your own pleasure and make sure it happens, not simply hope for it.

Taking responsibility starts with masturbation to understand what turns you on/off, and get to know exactly how you (and your clitoris) like to be stimulated.

If you’ve never used a sex toy before, you don’t need to be intimidated. There are many simple “bullet” style vibrators that will allow you to experience direct clitoral stimulation, and they are handy to have around either for a solo session or even when things are heating up with a partner.

There are also specific couples toys like the Eva by Dame Products, We-Vibe Sync and even a vibrating penis ring like Lelo Tor 2 that are designed to be worn during penetrative intercourse, as they will provide additional clitoral stimulation.

That said, a huge amount of the female arousal and pleasure happens in the mind. So its important to set your mind at ease and put aside any worry about whether you are doing things right or if your partner is enjoying it or if you will have an orgasm at all. This type of mental chatter draws you out of the moment and makes it difficult for you to experience the heights of pleasure.

Specific Tips for Women: Explore & Ask for What You Want

 In the bedroom, don’t be afraid to let your partner know what you enjoy and what you need in order to experience orgasm. It’s a great idea to have extended foreplay sessions (I like calling them “play sessions”) that forego the penetrative element, so you can both learn what the other likes.

It’s okay to make requests to a partner such as slowing down the pace, directing them to give you more clitoral stimulation, or even pausing so you can reach for a sex toy. Most partners want to please you, so give them the opportunity to by telling them what you need.

And if you’re not feeling it, just let them know that you don’t think you’ll orgasm tonight – don’t fake it. Even if it feels easier to do so. By faking an orgasm, you send the message that whatever your partner is doing is working, which will result in them doing the same unfulfilling things repeatedly.

Specific Tips for Partners: Slow Down & Check In Regularly

 Don’t take it personally if the women in your bed didn’t orgasm from penetration, or tells you that it’s not going to happen for them tonight. Ensure she is getting a healthy amount of direct clitoral stimulation instead, whether its manually, orally or even using a vibrator.

Slow things down to build tension and arousal. Most women need a longer time to build-up from arousal to climax than men, so take your time. Instead of heading straight for the genitals, start with stimulating her entire body. Maybe even a simple massage to ensure she’s relaxed and focused on your touch, not other things going on in her day.

Be attentive to what she needs. Always ask what your partner likes, and don’t assume that every woman likes similar things. Sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all type of activity, and don’t believe everything you see on mainstream porn as this is often a performance that is designed for the male gaze.

Approach talking about sex away from the bedroom when the pressure is off, and then check in again during sex with an “is this ok?” or “how does this feel?”, but just be aware that too many questions can take her out of the moment.

Additional Resources to Help Close the Orgasm Gap

 At the heart of every great sexual relationship is consistent communication, mutual respect, and a balance of giving and receiving pleasure.

As long as you approach every sexual encounter with the knowledge that each party deserves equal enjoyment from this experience, you and your partner are much more likely to have a satisfying sex life.

If you still feel like you’re struggling to close the orgasm gap with a partner, I highly recommend checking out this Better in Bed podcast episode “Bridging the Pleasure Gap” or talking things over with a sex coach to explore your sexuality and streamline your communication.

If you’re ready to learn more, move on to these blogs: 4 Clitoris Facts to Change Your Sex Life to find out more about the female pleasure powerhouse, and 8 Ways to Be More Sexually Assertive so you can ask for what you want!

(Article Published in Sassy Hong Kong)