7 Ways to Become Your Own Sexpert
BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH
Many clients tell me they’d like to explore their sexuality, but are waiting for a partner. Some even tell me that they long to meet someone confident and adventurous who will inspire them sexually, and coax them out of their shell.
While exploring with a partner is great, you might be waiting for a long time for someone to come along that is totally compatible with you sexually.
And it could possibly create pressure on the relationship if you are relying solely on the other person to teach you skills or “give you” certain experiences.
So in my view, the best time to explore your sexuality is when you’re alone.
When you’re solo, there’s no pressure to perform or rush, you can try things without worrying about how the other person will react, and you can be totally honest about what you like or don’t like.
It’s just you focusing on your own pleasure, and this can be an empowering feeling. There’s no other eyes or hurt egos to worry about.
Why Becoming Your Own Sexpert Matters
We are all so unique sexually that it’s important to take the time to embrace ourselves as sexual beings.
Exploring your sexuality means continually seeking out knowledge of our preferences and desires, as well as our limits and boundaries.
It is a lot of fun. However, it does take some effort. It can sometimes be easier sometimes to just rely on a partner to take the reins. Or to want to stay within one’s comfort zone.
That’s why to help you get started, I’ve come up with 7 ways to explore your sexuality.
7 Ways to Explore Your Sexuality
Challenge Your Sex Scripts (They’re There!)
I like to say that sex starts between your ears and not your legs. And there are often so many external narratives and limiting beliefs about sex that taint our enjoyment in the bedroom.
Often these scripts can be so deeply engrained that we can’t even remember a time when they weren’t there.
A few common sex scripts I’ve helped clients with revolve around body image, performance anxiety and shame, and these can play on a loop in our heads and become a block to desire or pleasure.
If you notice one of these scripts becoming a block in the bedroom, try journaling about it.
Write out your thoughts and see if you can identify where you feel blocked and the source of that feeling. Then assess if this script is still serving you, and if it’s not, let it go.
Educate Yourself
Most of us have had a terrible sex education. And as a result, it’s more common than you’d expect for people to have very little idea of how their own anatomy works, let alone their own pleasure, desires and even sexuality.
But you can never learn too much about sex! So pick up some sex-positive books, videos, listen to podcasts (like the Better in Bed podcast) or sign up to my Better in Bed Foundations course for women and you’ll pick up some essential tools to becoming a more confident lover!
You can also take the quiz below to check where you’re at.
Create a Sexual Body Map
When people think of the body’s erogenous zones, most people think of breasts, nipples, penis, and maybe vagina and clitoris separately – maybe.
However, there are so many more! Unlikely erogenous zones have been found on the calves, ankles, inner wrist and even armpits – it’s completely individual, and these can be often overlooked.
Remember, the human body is highly sensitive to touch and different kinds of stimulation.
So try a simple self-exploration practice by touching the different parts of your body from the top of your head to your toes, identifying which areas bring heightened sensitivity or pleasure at your touch.
Explore Your Fantasies
Read steamy romances or erotica, watch hot-and-heavy movies or dive into the world of porn – just figure out what turns you on the most.
It’s perfectly okay to try something and realize you don’t like it! It’s also highly possible that you’ll watch or read something that excited you, with absolutely no intention of trying it out in real life.
If you have some trusted sex-positive friends, chat to them about what they enjoy and fantasise about. You’ll soon realise the sheer diversity and breadth of fetishes, fantasies and turn-ons that people have! And that it’s totally normal.
While enjoying your sexual fantasies, try not to let the traditional idea of what you’re supposed to do during sex hold you back.
Let your imagination run wild, and make a note of what scenarios replay in your mind so you can come back to it in your alone time or with a partner, later.
Set Your Sexual Boundaries
It’s best to set sexual boundaries before things get too steamy. If you have to set a boundary during the act, it usually means a line has already been crossed, or you are already feeling uncomfortable.
By eliminating certain things that you know you won’t enjoy and aren’t willing to try, you should be able to go into a sexual situation confident that your partner will only do what you want them to.
For something a little more set in stone, write a “yes/no/maybe” list with any sexual activities that come to mind.
And if you’re exploring something new that may not have made it on the list, then it can be a good practice to establish a safe word beforehand so you can ask your lover(s) to hit the pause button.
Remember that setting boundaries (sexual or otherwise) is an ongoing process and not a one-time catch-all conversation, so continue to talk about these and check in regularly with each other.
Create Sensual Self-Care Rituals
Your body is a temple, so treat it like one! Create the time to engage in rituals that indulge and worship your body.
Buy the best sheets you can afford, play music that makes you feel sexy, moisturise your body from head to toe, admire your naked body in the mirror or dance around the room in your birthday suit – do whatever makes you feel good.
The way we approach sensual bodily pleasures like food, movement, massage or even simply making a cup of tea involves paying attention to our senses.
And it often reflects how we behave in the bedroom, both alone and with others.
Allow yourself to feel pleasure without judgement outside the bedroom, and you’ll see this reflected in the bedroom. (A better sex life really does mean a better life!)
Change Up Your Self-Pleasure Routine
Many people tend to fall into a routine with masturbation and simply find the fastest way to orgasm possible. (It’s no wonder so many of us rush in the bedroom!)
It’s also not uncommon to use an orgasm as a way to get to sleep faster – and again, the end goal is the focus.
Pleasure shouldn’t be rushed, nor should it feel like a routine. Regardless of whether you masturbate often or only once in a while, give yourself something a little extra to look forward to.
Be creative - try edging, new toys, a different type of erotica or porn, or try lube while you’re alone. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it’s involved in the process of you spending quality time with yourself.
The Secret to Sexual Confidence
Being an expert of your own sexuality will make it much easier to explore sex with someone else.
You’ll have a better understanding of what gets you off, and that’ll give you the confidence to instruct your partner as to what they can do for you. It’s a win-win!
Your sexuality is here to be enjoyed, and when you understand and embrace it, a new sexual confidence will emerge, I guarantee it.
If you need a little help and guidance, I’m a certified sex coach that can give you the tools to explore your sexuality alone or with others. Find out more about working with me here. Or check out my other blog posts such as How Can Mindfulness Improve My Sex Life, and 5 Ways to Have More Intense Orgasms for further inspiration.