How to Get Back to Dating After a Long Break

BY SARA TANG, SEX COACH

Sometimes, you want to take a break from romance and the dating scene. Perhaps you split up with an ex and the idea of seeking love again became too painful. Or maybe you stopped pursuing romantic encounters to focus on your career. 

Whatever the reason, many people go on long breaks from dating. They decide to focus on themselves, build their lives, and live independently. 

Eventually, though, the time comes when you want to get back out there on the scene. But when you’re out of practice, it can seem a little daunting. You tell yourself you’re too old for it, or that you’ll never find love. Or that you don’t like using dating apps.

You can also get a little nervous. Navigating dating can become stressful, and take a toll on your confidence.  

To find out how confident a lover you are, take the quiz below. Then carry on reading to see what you can do to get back to dating after a long break.

Avoid Talking About Your Exes and Breakups On Dates

Talking about your past relationships and exes with a long-term partner is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. But bringing it up on the first date might just be too much information.

The reason for this is that discussion of it could bring out negative emotions, such as anger or misery. And when that happens, it could put off your date. They may sense that you haven’t moved on from what happened. And they worry that you’ll bring baggage into the new relationship.

Remember, your date isn’t meant to be your therapist.

If your past relationships are still giving you hang-ups, then you might want to hold off from dating a little longer. Getting your head in the right place is good for your new date and it makes it much more likely your future relationships will be successful. 

Be Realistic

Many people get into the dating scene, thinking that they’re going to find the love of their life immediately. That’s not how it works.

The love of your life isn’t something you stumble over and “find.” It’s usually something that is nurtured and grows. 

Being realistic, therefore, is important. The vast majority of people in the dating market are just like you. They have flaws. So you’re not going to bump into the perfect person, no matter how long you hold out.

What you want is someone who is good enough to meet your standards, and who will add to your life more than they detract from it. 

Finding a good partner takes a lot of time - just like finding a good job. So even if you experience difficulties, that’s all par for the course. It’s a learning experience. And every negative encounter increases the chances of finding a positive one. 

Don’t Solely Focus on Finding Love

While you’re in the dating market, it can feel like finding love is the most important thing in your world. And you might see everything else as just an accessory for getting the love that you want. 

Unfortunately, when you take this approach, you forget that life is a more holistic experience than just romance. While having a partner is a nice thing, it’s not everything.

Having a “take it or leave it” attitude before you go in can help you enormously if, and when, things go wrong. 

Also, if you reframe your purpose for dating towards meeting new people or having an adventure, you’ll reduce your chances of being disappointed.

Take Precautions

Getting back on the dating market is a lot of fun. But, sometimes, it can also carry a certain amount of risk in terms of our personal safety and wellbeing. That’s why taking precautions is essential. 

When you go out on a date, make sure that you tell at least one other person where you’re going and who you’re meeting.

If you’re seeing somebody for the first time, meet them in a public space. Be sensible and don’t go to their home straight away.

Be responsible for your sexual health. Carry around your own contraceptives and take any STD treatments before you sleep with your dates. If any of your dates don’t want to use contraceptives after you ask for it, treat that as a red flag. 

Reflect Seriously On What You Want In A Partner

You don’t have to ride off into the sunset with the first person who flutters their eyelids in your direction. You have a choice who becomes your partner. 

Think carefully about the kind of qualities that you want in them. Rely on your gut instinct when meeting somebody, but also use your intelligence.

Listen carefully to the kinds of things that they say.

If you’re looking for somebody who is emotionally stable, pay attention to how they react to stimuli in their environments or talk to them about their careers.

If you want somebody passionate, ask them about their hobbies and causes they care about. If you want someone curious, ask them what interesting books, podcasts or movies they’ve come across recently.

Go In With A Positive Mindset

There are a lot of people in the dating market who go into it with a negative mindset. They distrust everyone they meet and assume that, at some point, they will get hurt.

The trick here is to go into the dating market with a positive mindset. You want to have an exploratory attitude. Success doesn’t happen overnight. It takes time. 

There are also in-built advantages of having a positive mindset. The people you date will immediately pick up on your attitude and find themselves attracted to it.

You will find that if you adopt this approach, you will have more success long-term. Take every date as a chance to practice your dating skills and to learn valuable lessons about yourself and others.

Avoid Comparisons

As lovers, we can get into the habit of comparing people to our exes. There’s a person from your past who is the yardstick, and everyone else measures up against them. 

Going into a new relationship this way immediately creates trouble. Eventually, it leads to resentment when they don’t quite stand up to ideals in the past, and you feel dissatisfied. 

When into a relationship, see it more like visiting a new country - an opportunity to explore somewhere different.

If you’re heading back to the dating market after a long time, don’t be afraid to take things slow. You don’t have to rush into being sexual.

Just go with the flow, see where things go, and allow the connections you experience to flourish. Don’t try to force it and just enjoy the ride. 

If you need more support and guidance, I’m a certified sex coach that can give you the tools to explore your sexuality alone or with others. Find out more about working with me here. Or check out my other blog posts such as How to Start Having Sex Again After a Breakup, and How to Release an Ex-Lover From Your Life For Good for further inspiration.